7 Fashion Things I Know More About Than Stacy and Clinton

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm no fashionista; heck, anyone who looks at me could tell you that (*rimshot*). But I know what I know, and there are a few things that consistently make me yell at the TV during What Not to Wear:

1. Neutrals do not go with everything. They go with a wide range of things, true. That doesn't mean, however, that you can wear a pink-hued grey with a yellow-hued green, or that you can pair olive green and tangerine.


2. If your pinstripe is wide enough or bright enough to be noticed, it doesn't count as a neutral. So put that plaid shirt back on the rack, sweetheart.


3. You can't mix patterns like stripes and florals. Ever. Unless you are a sofa from the Kountry Kollection at Sears.


4. Those pants that pull or wrinkle at the crotch? They don't fit you, no matter how good they make your butt look.


5. Wearing a size 12 does not mean you have to shop at Lane Bryant. Or even a size 24. Why don't they ever take those poor girls to Marina Rinaldi,* or Salon Z at Saks, or Daphne? Even Talbots Woman would be more exciting.


6. If you need special lessons in how to walk in your heels, they're too freaking high.


7. Your shoes may not need to match your bag, but they should match the rest of your outfit. Red shoes with a black and white dress? Fine. Light blue shoes with jeans, a magenta shirt, and a brown jacket? Not so much.

*Edited January 13 to add: See? Carson Kressley took his participant Layla to Marina Rinaldi. And she looked fierce.