7 Fashion Things I Know More About Than Stacy and Clinton

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm no fashionista; heck, anyone who looks at me could tell you that (*rimshot*). But I know what I know, and there are a few things that consistently make me yell at the TV during What Not to Wear:

1. Neutrals do not go with everything. They go with a wide range of things, true. That doesn't mean, however, that you can wear a pink-hued grey with a yellow-hued green, or that you can pair olive green and tangerine.


2. If your pinstripe is wide enough or bright enough to be noticed, it doesn't count as a neutral. So put that plaid shirt back on the rack, sweetheart.


3. You can't mix patterns like stripes and florals. Ever. Unless you are a sofa from the Kountry Kollection at Sears.


4. Those pants that pull or wrinkle at the crotch? They don't fit you, no matter how good they make your butt look.


5. Wearing a size 12 does not mean you have to shop at Lane Bryant. Or even a size 24. Why don't they ever take those poor girls to Marina Rinaldi,* or Salon Z at Saks, or Daphne? Even Talbots Woman would be more exciting.


6. If you need special lessons in how to walk in your heels, they're too freaking high.


7. Your shoes may not need to match your bag, but they should match the rest of your outfit. Red shoes with a black and white dress? Fine. Light blue shoes with jeans, a magenta shirt, and a brown jacket? Not so much.

*Edited January 13 to add: See? Carson Kressley took his participant Layla to Marina Rinaldi. And she looked fierce.

The Oh-My-God-It's-December-Already-I'm-So-Far-Behind Round-Up

Laws and sausage are two things they say you shouldn't see being made. Another thing? Never watch a mechanic trying to induce an intermittent fault in your car.

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And while I'm on the subject of my car repair, I hate Enterprise car rental. I don't have the time or energy to tell you how much or how many times they have screwed me over. But their customer service sucks. Dude, I don't care if you come pick me up; it's how you treat me once I'm there that counts. And by the way, three words absolutely calculated to make the steam come out of my ears: "it's our policy."

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Well, probably no one would have watched if they had called it "The Ho-Hum Mrs. Pritchard." Jane Horrocks was great, but the infuriatingly uneven script failed to deliver the satisfactions one expects from a political fairy tale. In fact, the ending was so inconclusive I actually went to pbs.org to confirm that it was the last episode. One thing really surprised me, though: that Kathryn Walker actually had her abortion. I was positive she would reconsider at the last moment, marry her boy-toy boyfriend, and let domesticity reign supreme. That's what would have happened if this had been made for American television. But those Brits are made of tougher stuff.

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This season of Heroes has been all about the waiting. Waiting for Maya to stop sniveling and whining and do something relevant. Waiting to find out how and why the Company saved Sylar. Waiting for him to regain his powers and do something relevant. Waiting for Niki to get over herself and own her power. Waiting for Nichelle Nichols to bust out some awesomeness. Waiting for Ando to have something to do. Waiting for HRG to backhand Claire across the mouth for being such a self-absorbed brat. Waiting to find out just what powers the ElderHeroes had. Waiting for the Petrelli brothers to reunite and make out some more (well, not me, but apparently that's what a lot of my fellow fans have been waiting for the most). Waiting for Mohinder to do something intelligent. And now, after this week's volume, if not season, finale, for the most part we're still waiting. Kring, you can do better than this.

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I like a behind-the-scenes show as well as anyone, but What Not to Wear is really pushing it. Was this like the third one in the past 6 months? And why do they keep reading letters from viewers asking if Stacy and Clinton are dating? Is there really anyone in America who doesn't know Clinton is gay?

Looks Like Someone Forgot to Watch The Money Pit

Well, watching the special by What Not to Wear's Clinton Kelly about renovating his country house was surprisingly enjoyable (and much better than Stacey London's annoying extracurricular efforts). I liked the parts with his family, and laughed when he did makeovers of his contractors, including his dad. But really, he seemed overly bewildered by the realities of the time and money needed to achieve his vision. Shouldn't a big old queen like him have seen Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House by now?

I liked many of his design choices, especially in the master bathroom and guest bedroom (that orange chrysanthemum wallpaper? To die for). But he has got to be kidding about that purple sofa/yellow-and-pink rug combo and the antler chandelier ($5,500? you cannot possibly be serious). He told his interior designer that one of his goals was for some people to walk into the living room and hate it. Clinton, consider your mission accomplished.